My nerdy #ManchesterUnited joke. #football #championsleague #ryangiggs
Here’s my suggestions for making a superior sequel that can put the series back on track…
1. Make less sense.
Prometheus hardly made a lick of sense. So why stop there? For the sequel confound the online haters by making the Jodorowsky fever dream version of a blockbuster “sidequel” to the classic first Alien movie. Michael Bay did this with Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen and that made bazillions… and he got to make not one but two more movies in the franchise.
2. Weaker characters.
Casting Idris Elba as the Idris Elba-like ship’s captain again? Fine. This time just call him Captain Idris and give him a speech about always wanting to be a spaceman as a boy and how that’s what got him into acting. Then make him inexplicably quit acting and walk out of shot with no dramatic foreshadowing whatsoever. This is the kind of logic we now expect from the Prometheus franchise.
3. Bugsy Malone it.
Ridley Scott was onto something by casting a youthful Guy Pearce as a decrepit old man for no clear (onscreen) reason. Why not hire a cast of eight year olds and use the latest special effects to age them up to around twenty five years old? Then let them just improvise the unfolding drama? Their creative impulses can’t be any less confusing than the behaviour of Lindelof’s characters in the first film.
4. More 10 Pin Bowling.
How did Ridley Scott (director of such timeless, intricately nuanced cinematic character pieces as Thelma & Louise and Matchstick Men) create this magical movie moment only for the character in question to not immediately go Ten Pin Bowling?
5. No dialogue.
In the future of Prometheus people don’t speak to one another the way we do today. No. They speak the language of Big Themes. They take subtext and verbalise it until it’s just text. Even then nothing makes sense. It makes you wish that, in space… nobody could hear each other speak. So why not make Prometheus 2 a silent movie? A very short, quiet, nonsensical, Bugsy Malone spin-off that’s also a sequel to Kingpin populated by “waffer-thin” characters?
6. Cast LL Cool J.
Any film is immediately improved by the presence of iconic rapper and screen legend James Todd Smith. Whenever I don’t love a film as much as I was expecting to (eg The Godfather Part 2, The Seventh Seal, Lawrence Of Arabia) my first analytic question is always: “Why wasn’t LL Cool J in it?”
Take Sharknado. It had everything required to match Deep Blue Sea for sheer cinematic B Movie brilliance… but something was missing. That something was a hip hop icon dressed up as a chef with a comedy parrot on his shoulder punching sharks upside the head.
We were all slightly disappointed with Prometheus. Ridley Scott, you know what to do and when you make Mr Cool J’s casting announcement… don’t call it a comeback.
Now the real genius of this is that it instantly identifies what the film is while simultaneously providing an opportunity to cast The Chuckle Brothers in some way.
Not Barry Chuckle: “Twometheus?”
Barry Chuckle: “Twoyoutheseus!”
Why do the Alien space teams always travel light years to their celestial destinations only to get debriefed when they get there?
I propose a scene where the next batch of intrepid astronauts are given the chance to guess the terror that lies ahead in a pre-launch game of charades. The winner gets a full holographic risk assessment presentation followed by the option to stay safely at home or go anyway and then, defying all common sense, chooses to go anyway. Unarmed.
9. Burke. Carter, J.
Perhaps the most notable omission from the first Prometheus movie was a widescreen 3D shot of Michael Fassbender’s willy. It was bizarre by it’s omission, quite frankly. The Fass presents his manhood in almost every other movie he’s in. Meanwhile Paul Reiser’s duplicitous company exec Burke was the biggest cock in Aliens.
Why not please fans of both by introducing a clone of Burke who’s on a mission to capture and weaponise not an extra terrestrial xenomorph… but android David’s synthetic little person? I mean, why not? This could then set up the Freudian bio-horror of a third film entitled ‘Penomorph’.
Now I’ve never written, produced, directed, starred in or scored the music to a major Hollywood genre film… but I’d say combining any three of these suggestions would make Prometheus 2 a superior film in every conceivable way to it’s predecessor.
Yes, Ridley Scott… you can have all these ideas for FREE.
One of the best jobs I ever had. They recast some nobody in the role for the series. #StarTrek #STTNG #TNG #Riker